Find You in the Dark

By: A. Meredith Walters

\Find You in the Dark

A. Meredith Walters


How did I get here? When was it that my life took this insane detour into the gigantic mess that I now saw when I looked in the mirror? Sure, everything had started so simply. A look, a touch, a kiss. Your first love is supposed to be beautiful, right?

And maybe it still is. I don"t know. All I do know is that I'm kneeling on this nasty bathroom floor in a dingy motel room in bum fuck Egypt, wiping my boyfriend's blood off the gritty tiles. The skin of my knees raw from my morbidly methodical task. The stinging of tears burns my vision and I feel like I'm about to follow him off the edge.

Wipe, scrub, sweep. That's what I'm doing. Wiping up the turmoil of our relationship. Sweeping away the anger, the hurt, the fear. Scrubbing it all away as I try to figure out how to piece myself back together.

But then I remember those elusive moments. The tiny slivers of time that help me recognize that it wasn't all bad. Because I love him. And he loves me, in the only way he can. Perhaps my only failing was not seeing that I wasn't able to hold it together on my own.

But I'm not one to give up - or forget. As much as they wanted me to. Because he had, for a moment in time, been my world. My focus, my entire being. And it's hard to think I am now without that. And maybe what we had, for those few blissful months, had truly been beautiful. Crazy beautiful. Or maybe just crazy.

Who knows. I was scared, tired and alone and missing that vital part of myself that had once felt whole and complete and now felt sad and empty. Wipe, scrub, sweep.

The holes would close up. The ripping seams would come together. But I would never be as I was before. Before him. My crazy beautiful love.

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